I’ve been milling things around in my head- what to say, what to do, to show what I’m thankful for this year at Thanksgiving. Here I am at 10 am, the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and I can honestly say I’m not coming up with much as far as out of this world gratitude comes into play.
Now don’t get me wrong though- I am grateful for a lot. I’m very fortunate to have a wonderful family, and extended family. I’m even more fortunate and thankful four our little ones: Jax is almost 5 (just before Christmas) and happy and rambunctious, Bella is a thriving, smiling, cooing, rolling 4 month old.
I’m thankful for my little family and for what they give me every day: love. I’m thankful for the lessons I learn from them every day, and for the joy we can all share. I am extremely thankful I have the chance to be home with our kiddos as well- its something I’ve always wanted.
So what’s the matter? This year I’m feeling like I could be doing more. Maybe we can call it a little ‘underwhelmed’? I don’t know. Maybe I’m overwhelmed.
At this point I can’t figure it out. Our little family unit is finally together and not spread out between two states, but it still really feels to me like we’re up in the air. By now I had hoped we’d be feeling settled in to the groove of living in Maine- but I have to admit I breathed a sigh of relief when we crossed the bridge heading to Massachusetts for the month of November. And I’m dreading it coming to an end. Maybe its for no other reason than what’s here is familiarity, for me and for Jax. He’s happier here for sure because its what he’s always known. But then again, I’ve ‘been there, done that’ in Maine, and I’m feeling now that we’re heading towards December that I might just not be interested at all in giving living in Maine another try (Don’t get me wrong, Maine is great, there area we’re in is great too. There’s just not much of anything there. Its not remotely close to anything, really).
Add to all of this the fact that I’m feeling ‘touched out’ with the little girl being on me all. the. time. and Jax only barely falling short of humping my leg he wants to be with me so much. He’s actually taken to telling his dad not to come in the room with us sometimes- and there’s only so many times Dean can get told to go away before feelings are hurt and I feel like an involuntary Jax magnet. I’m sure I wouldn’t be feeling so ‘give me some space already’ if I didn’t have so much on my brain about what we’re doing and where we’re going in our little life together!
And there’s of course the fact that even though I’ve always said I’d give anything to be home with the little ones, I have a hard time not contributing financially. And in Maine, there are only so many things to do with the littles every day. I’m not using my degree (I hardly ever cook at all anymore, beyond a grilled cheese for Jax). I’m alright with not using the degree- there are some other things I’d love to pursue, but being able to do anything so far away ‘from civilization’ is next to impossible.
So this holiday season I’m searching for the silver lining. I’m trying to relax a bit about everything, even if its Jax crawling under my skin for attention and I’m a human pacifier for the little girl. They’re only little for a little while. I’m reminding myself to feel grateful for the little things and that pretty much everyone wonders where and how their family will get to where they’re going in life. So, today, and in the spirit of Thanksgiving and the Holidays, I’m thankful for the journey. I love you, my little family.